Do you Really Know What Domestic Abuse is?

 

Last week the internet was all a buzz because of a picture posted by  a beautiful young woman who identified herself as “Bambiiiii_”  on Instagram.  The picture was of her battered and bruised body, injuries she said she sustained as a result of being a victim of domestic violence.  Now to be clear, little is known about “Bambiiiii_,”  where nor how the injuries originated.  What was interesting was that for the first time on social networks there was an open dialogue about domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is the bright pink elephant in a lot of African American and Latino families.   Abusers are seen all the time in everyday life, yet they are very seldom identified as abusers. We accept people in our lives that cross the border of dysfunctional and downright dangerous behaviors every day without little intervention nor help from others.  And victims of domestic disputes are often blamed by the abuser and onlookers for their participation in the abuse. Domestic violence is often ignored and accepted as the status quo because many people do not quite know what it is.

Domestic Violence is often thought of as just occurring between two people in a sexual/intimate relationship which is not the case.

In the state of New York domestic violence is an umbrella term that means violence that occurs inside of a home.  Domestic violence includes intimate partner violence, dating abuse, and family violence.  Domestic violence can occur between partners, spouses, parents, or children.  Intimate partner violence is further broken down in terms of behavior, battery, intimidation, stalking, violence resistance, and mutual combat.

Domestic Violence is more than just being hit.

Although this is rarely acknowledged, being hit is usually the last sign that you are in an abusive relationship.  For most victims of abuse this is the boundary they are waiting for abusers to cross before they draw the line. Abuse occurs in subtle ways before acts of violence ever occur.  However, because of the way a lot of us are socialized.  In urban American and Latino communities a lot of people are socialized to accept different forms of abuse.  This also makes it increasingly difficult for victims to escape abusive relationships, when abusive behaviors are normalized.

Verbal abuse is an “acceptable” form of abuse.  A lot of people who are raised in households where there was corporal punishment, (which is also abuse), they did not identify it as abuse. One of the posters commented that they were spanked by their parents and not abused.  But psychologically it is the same thing. If you grow up in a household where negative and disparaging remarks are common place, and that “behaviors” can cause you to be hit, this is exactly the same rhetoric abusers use in intimate partner violence (IPV).

“You were bad so I had to hit you.”

THE TYPES OF ABUSE

Domestic violence takes on several forms. The most socially acceptable form of abuse is verbal and emotional abuse.  If you are in a relationship where your feelings are constantly hurt; you rarely feel good about your interactions; they call you names; and make you feel insecure; IT IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP..  This is the hardest form of abuse to combat because it is so socially accepted, especially in urban areas.  Typical acts of emotional abuse displayed in intimate partner are: intimidation; stalking, public and private humiliation or embarrassment; isolating the victim from friends and family; and constant criticism.

Any behaviors that erode your self esteem, self worth since of agency, and competency is emotional abuse.

If you look at almost any reality television interaction there is verbal abuse going on. Being cursed out all the time, IS NOT NORMAL. HAVING FRIENDS WHO DO NOT LIKE YOU IS NOT NORMAL. DATING SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU BADLY IS NOT NORMAL. HAVING SOMEONE TEAR YOU DOWN IS NOT NORMAL. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY IF YOU DO NOT THINK THIS BEHAVIOR IS NORMAL. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IT IS NOT NECESSARY AND YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE IT.

It is very important that you learn how you can put up clear boundaries for the people in your life to treat you in a loving and respectful manner.

You deserve to have positive interactions with the people you give access to your life and love. You deserve to be able to draw the line of acceptable behavior and exclude anything that is not in alignment with the peace you want in your life.  If you are dating someone who displays these characteristics this is usually the first step of abuse. The goal is to make you feel as if you deserve to be abused. This is a psychological issue that a lot of abused women struggle with.

And if this narrative was one started by parental abuse these relationships reinforce the idea that these women “deserve” to be abused.

FINANCIAL/ECONOMIC ABUSE

The power balance that exists when one person has total control of the finances is over whelming. For a lot of victims of domestic violence, financial abuse is prevalent.

Financial abuse is when one partner exercise control through financial means.  For a lot of victims, their mates had total control of the finances.  They could dictate when and what they could eat, and even limit their modes and means of transportation all by controlling the money. Money gives us access to freedom.  For victims who are employed or had a stable income, their abusers could make unreasonable financial demands. They could demand their victims buy them gifts they can not afford.

Often times the abusers would have sole access the victim’s money.

This makes it easier to control what the victim can do.  Money is a major deciding factor in whether a victim will leave or stay.  In many cases they do not have enough money for transportation to get away, and in others they do not have access to a phone to call for help.  Unfortunately for many victims who do make it into the shelter system this is a major reason they would go back to their abusers. Without sustainable housing resources for themselves and in a lot of cases children they can not survive on their own.

Financial insecurity is the main reason women go back to their abusers or stayed with them.

SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORCIBLE RAPE

Rape or sexual abuse is also a form of abusive control exercised by a lot of abusers. For a lot of abusers if they wanted sex, their victims had no choice but to comply.  Sex is either taken through intimidation or force. Not having agency and control over one’s body is a serious violation.

 Rape and sexual violence is about power.

Studies have shown that there is also a link between sexual violence in domestic abuse and the rising rate of HIV infections. For some abusers if you ask them to use a condom that shows that you are in fact unfaithful to them. This would also escalate to physical violence.  Even if you know your mate is unfaithful to you, if you are a victim of IPV (intimate partner violence), you would rather comply with their request than face the circumstance.

Intimate partner violence presents a serious health risk.

The worst thing that you can do for a victim of domestic violence is further victimize them. We have to be loving and supportive and not push them to act right away. It takes times to break free of the emotional issues that lead to one being in an abusive relationship so long.  A lot of women who have been in chronically abusive relationships have been groomed to believe the behavior is acceptable in their own home of origin. They have either witnessed the abuses listed here, or been victimized by a parent, relative or caregiver.

It is also important to note that there are serious psychological effects of abuse. Women who are in domestic violence relationship, suffer from depression, and are also likely to suffer from mental health disorders. Disorders such as PTSD; Anxiety disorders; and eating disorders are common. Having a mental health diagnosis and being a victim of trauma also makes a person a good candidate to experience intimate partner violence.

A lot of people think intimate partner violence cannot happen to them.

This is both true and untrue. While you cannot control the way a person treats you and can become a victim of violence or abuse at one point or another, you can control what you accept. It is imperative that you know what the behaviors and early warning signs are so you can spot abuse early on and avoid it.